Sunday, October 30, 2011

"God doesn't want you."

I wasn’t planning on writing about this today. But last week, when I was writing my first post, I happened to glance at the comments section on my first Beacon article. The feedback I’d gotten so far had been positive- the comments, the amount of likes, and personal responses from friends. And now, staring at me in the face, was the first negative response. “God doesn’t want you,” Veronica Glickman wrote. “Why do you insist on wanting him.”

I was stunned. I stared at the comment for a while and then forced myself to close the page, all the while absently thinking, Why was I so shocked? Wasn’t this what I was nervous about when I first decided to write the article? Wasn’t I expecting something like this?

Truth be told, I had been expecting it. At first. For a week or so after I wrote the article, I kept expecting the axe to fall. I kept expecting someone to say something, to attack what I’d written, because it had happened in the past to other brave writers who had come forward, so why wouldn’t it happen to me? But it didn’t.

Until last week. For the past few days, I’ve been continuously going back to the page and looking at the comment. Just looking, turning it over and over in my head, trying to figure it out, understand what it means, what the reader meant when she wrote it.

It mystified me. After five days of staring, I’m still mystified. Because how does Veronica Glickman know? How does she know that God doesn’t want me? So sure of what she believes, there is not an ounce of hesitation or doubt in her comment.

I used to have that. I used to have absolutely no doubts or questions (and funnily enough, it wasn’t my sexual orientation that brought about my questions). Now I find myself both jealous of this woman’s faith, but at the same time, I am also grateful that I no longer have that, because, in my experience at least, even though life is more confusing when you have questions, it’s also easier to find meaning, and truth, and beauty, when you have the presence of mind to search for it and ask it of the world that surrounds you. 

I don’t know Veronica. But if I did, I would tell her this- I do want God. Do I know whether or not he wants me? No, not really. Sometimes I believe He does, sometimes I wonder. But I don’t doubt that I am in this world for a reason. I was created for a reason, and I have a purpose in this world. That may not seem like very much, but for me, someone who lost all faith in everything for a while, that’s a lot.

And right now, it’s enough. 


  1. It is my understanding that Judaism teaches that G@d loves every living creation that he made.

    The Rebbe Rayatz, the 5th Lubaviter Rebbe tells the following story...

    "While walking with ny father...I absentmindedly tore a leaf off a passing tree. Holding it a while in my hands, I continued my thoughtful pacing, occasionally tearing small pieces of leaf and casting them to the winds."

    "The Holy Ari," said father to me, "says that not only is every leaf on a tree a creation invested with Divine life, created for a specific purpose within G-d's intent in creation, but also that within each and every leaf there is a spark of a soul that has descended to earth to find its correction and fulfillment."...

    ...."How can one be so callous towards a creation of G-d? This leaf was created by the Almighty towards a specific purpose and is imbued with a Divine life-force. It has a body and it has its life. In what way is the 'I' of this leaf inferior to yours?"

    In addition, the MAIN principal of Judaism is "Ahavas Yisroel", "Love your Neighbor as Yourself",

    We DO know what HaShem wants from us, it's all written down in a great document called The Torah. "Chai BaHem" - Live by these words. HaShem loves us despite our shortcomings. Anyone that denies this, does not understand the foundation of Judasim at all.

  2. I understood Veronica to mean something along the lines of, "The 'God Establishment' doesn't want gay people, so why do you cling to it instead of finding your own path among people who accept you? Why do you stay frum?" Taken this way, it wasn't a negative comment against you but a probe that goes to the heart of the conflict between your faith and your desire.

  3. The next time Veronica purports to know whom God wants or doesn't want, please ask her (from your adoring fans) if she can find out from "The One Who Knows All" why ya can't find those little twisty tie wraps anymore. You know the ones? That you use with plastic sandwich bags?

    If Veronica (Christian saint, incidentally...Good name for a nice (?) Jewish girl) would throw away a Jewish soul because of her own baseless phobia of G-d knows what (Maybe she can find out the next time He talks to her.), maybe she can explore that, and see if next Rosh HaShana G-d will forgive her without her having asked your forgiveness for having claimed to know who/what G-d wants.

    Thanks again for continuing to put your voice out there.